Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Latest Newsletter

The latest newsletter is out, and it doesn't even mention the Great Kitchen Disaster. But then, we were expecting this sort of cover-up. Anyway, here's the Templar Truths take on the newsletter; with headlines in bold, TMHS text in italics and our take on things in normal text.

Welcome Back "an exciting year", "results were once again excellent", "attendance rate is currently below the national average", "steel work has been erected over the summer", "action packed term ahead" The new year will be disrupted by building a lot, but well done to everyone who bothered turning up for their exams. This year will be more mundane than ever before, because 2007-08 will lack gas attacks.

School Calendar "...lots of dates..." Not enough days off, though Easter lasts 19 March till 7 April, which is ages.

Development Days "school will be closed", "...four dates..." Staff are too incompetent, so they'll be replaced by monkeys slowly over the course of the year - a quarter on each of these dates.

Best Ever Results for Temple Moor "best ever results", "5 A*-C", "average points score is up" Congratulations to everyone who worked hard, and aren't exams getting easier? Just kidding! Now the pressure's on everyone else to do well.

Open Evening "already looking forward to next year", "early closure" We at Templar Truths say everyone should go to put off parents.

Supporting Success "year 10 parents are invited", "opportunity to fully understand the expectations", "vital information" If your kid is in Year 10, come along and Temple Moor's full plan of academic torture will be described in detail.

Golden Bunsen "quality of all teams' solutions...extremely high", "well done", "hopefully we can win back the trophies" In a shock twist of events, Golden Bunsen saw Temple Moor fail.

Free Books for Year 7s "all Year 7 students will...receive a free reading book", "students have been choosing a book from a list of 12", "encourage reading" When I was in Year 7, do you know what I got? A New Testament (and psalms) from Gideons. They get a proper book, the gits.

Parental Survey Results "74%...felt...school was very good", "RE, Drama and Guidance...identified as areas for improvement" Parents are being conned into thinking school is good.

Year 8 French Trip "an action packed week", "enjoyed superb sights", "a Hawaiian themed disco" 41 youngsters enjoyed being in a foreign country, even though it was with school. And not one person died! Result!

Summer Sports Camp 2007 "despite poor weather", "growing in popularity", "all children...excelled themselves" Some kids decided it'd be fun to do extra PE in the rain and loved it. They didn't learn anything new, but they loved it.

Positive Discipline "has played a central role", "providing...high standards and success", "a few amendments", "PD shop", "negative comments have been sub-divided", "positively serve every child" The positive discipline system just won't go away. They've made a few changes this year which suck even more than the bad ideas before. Expect a full rant-fuelled post on the PD system soon, courtesy of me.

Lego League "taking up the challenge", "compete against other high schools", "we are convinced that we can achieve a high level of success" In a fury of self-delusion, Temple Moor thinks it can win something. As if.

Nell Bank "Year 12 students will be spending one day at Nell Bank", "outdoor activity", "emphasis on fun" Because year 12 students don't have to do PE, Temple Moor is making them do sporty things at the stupidly named Nell Bank.

Post 16 Education Evening "will take place on...November 7th", "new prospectus" The school's attempt to make sure you stay on for Sixth Form is happening in November. Be there!

National Book Week "first week of October", "the chance to write...short book review", "reviews will be entered into a school competition", "staff and students...able to meet...Nick Hornby", "Nick will be talking about his new novel for teenagers called Slam" The school's latest attempt to get kids reading, and they're promoting Nick Hornby's new book with the title Slam, a word supposed to appeal to its demographic.

The Learning Support Centre "currently studying students' attainment levels and conducting tests", "those...experiencing difficulties...may be placed on Success Maker" If kids are getting a bit thick, TMHS will put them in the euphemistically named "Success Maker" where they will be lined up and shot take part in a computerised learning system.

That's all from the Autumn Term newsletter. As usual, it had several mistakes in it, but nothing too major. Apart from this quote:
95% of parents of Year 7 students felt that the school had lived up to expectations, and 17% said that the school had exceeded their expectations

Does that mean 112% participated in the survey? More likely is that's it's 17% of all the parents, but it's not made especially clear...

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