Wednesday, 23 January 2008

January Newsletter

Is the latest newsletter any better than the previous ones? Don't be silly. As ever, our version accompanies the headline and quotes from the original.

Spring Term
"a successful 2008", "we hope to take ownership of our new Science, Technology and Sports facilities", "photographs, video images, visits and briefings", "my thanks to all of you", "move from red to amber to green"
We should take ownership of all the new building - it's supposed to be complete in December. Good news: you won't just have to rely on us for BSF news. They'll be showing you pictures, videos and other stuff. All we're saying is don't hold your breath. And sneakily, Fleetwood managed to shoehorn in some RAG reference.

Positive Discipline (PD) Update
"the detention list will be on display in the Social Area", "students' responsibility", "fail to attend...carried forward"
This is a disaster waiting to happen. You should never entrust students to check when it's their turn to be punished - it's stupid!

Communication With Temple Moor
"always available", "make an appointment"
In short, don't come barging in and demand to speak with some teacher who's given your child low grades. Make an appointment.

Changes To Student Personal Information
"let us know...of any changes to...address, telephone numbers...", "amended on the school database"
New phone number? Tell us! So hackers into our WEP network can steal up-to-date information.

Lost Property
"we have accrued a large amount", "displayed during break", "much easier to find owners...if...all their belongings [were] marked clearly"
Stuff + name label = less loss. It's not a difficult concept, and I'm surprised at few people label stuff.

Year 11 RAG Levels
"New RAG", "current grades and target grades"
RAG isn't new. You've pinched the idea off traffic lights, which have been around since 1868 (says Wikipedia). And you've neglected to mention how fundamentally flawed RAG analysis is, its shortcomings and its idiocy. Don't worry, you can expect a fairly long essay on the error of RAG soon.

February Half Term Coursework Ace Days
"chance for students to complete...coursework"
Look, if you have to come into school during half term, you are not a coursework "ace". So stop the pathetic euphemisms, OK?

Year 11 Prom
"This will take place on 2nd May"
Quick, hire your tux/buy your dress and get a limo.

Easter School
"an excellent opportunity", "teacher-led revision"
It's the Easter holidays. 'Nuf said.

Reminder To All Year 11 Students
"coursework approaching", "can all parents...encourage their son/daughter"
That's right, because if your child didn't hate you sending them to a school where you're attacked by chlorine, then make sure they will despise you for making sure they do all their coursework.

"important for all students" "falling below...[95%]...due to illness or holidays", "17 days absence...can equate to a drop in a GCSE grade"
The school's attendance is bad, so please come in every day. If not, you'll drop grades. Oh, and stop being ill - because it's obviously your fault.

Attendance Target Week
"all 100% attendance during this week will be rewarded", "Deal or No Deal draw to be held"
The draw will be nothing like Deal Or No Deal, I can pretty much guarantee that. We can't afford Noel Edmonds, and they're not going to pick one child to play Deal Or No Deal. We'll give a full report on this when it happens.

Year 10 Guidance
"a workshop run by the Refugee Council", "plight of refugees"
Year 10 are learning about refugees. Aren't they lucky?

National Science & Engineering Week
"light - you can't feel it, taste it, hear it or touch it - but you can see it", "Dr Marty Jopson (the mad professor)"
Actually, you can't see light. You can see what it reflects off. If we could see light, it would a fog constantly in front of your eyes. As for this Marty Jopson, he sounds mad, but does he have a Flux Capacitor? I doubt it.

Little Shop Of Horrors
"next production is almost upon us", "working hard since October", "based on an old...B-movie", "man eating plant from outer space", "funniest, most original and entertaining musical productions of recent years", "£7.00 for adults and £5.00 for children"
We wish all the students involved the best of luck. But, saying that, it's always funny when someone forgets their lines, the set falls over and the baby in the audience cries. So it's worth going for a laugh. Bit on the expensive side, however...

National Year Of Reading
"2008 has been the National Year of Reading", "plenty of new books", "celebrate words in every form!"
Another government attempt to get every child to read. Will this fail like the others? TT bets yes.

Go Forth Garforth!
"ten members of Year 10 and Year 9 are now published poets", "poetry on the theme of "identity" ", "published in the Go Forth Garforth anthology"
What a terrible pun. Well done to the lucky winners, however.

Reading Matters
"Year 12 students are taking part in a reading mentor scheme", "how to bring reading alive", "matched with a younger student who they work with on a weekly basis", "feedback has been positive"
Fine. OK. We get it. We need to read. What else are they going to do? Free sex whenever you take a book out of the library? (Note to teachers who read the blog: this one might actually work)

Poetry Live
"the annual Poetry Live event", "listen to readings from many of the poets they study"
This is quite good: talk to the poets about what it actually means. A rare insight. Might push up your grade by a couple of marks.

Pink Pig Week
"PD shop will be open", "redeem the Pink Pigs"
Essentially, every fifty credits gets you a large stamp, which happens to be a pig. It looks more red than pink, but the real question is: what the sodding hell do pigs have to do with the PD shop? Whose plan was pigs? Perhaps it's a throwback to some medieval currency: twelve pigs buys you a cow.

Formula 1 Club Expands Into Radio Controlled Cars
"F1 club is expanding", "design and make radio controlled cars", "national finals at Silverstone race circuit", "we need to find sponsorship"
This is a just a plea for sponsors. But, as pleas go, it's a fairly good one. Help the children! We're not sponsoring them, by the way.

Another newsletter out of the way.


atomfox said...

Brilliant...I'm looking forward to the 'fairly long essay on the error of RAG'. What happened to the comforting 'as long as you try your best, that's all that matters' saying?, hang on i'll leave the rest to you, you'll make a better job of it.

Qua? said...

I would like you to know that it's the same price for tickets as it was last year!

And . . .

If you've got a £500 plant . . . you need to get that money back!