Guest Writer - zrawhcs
Reader "zrawhcs" has written a long, but readable and enjoyable, article for Templar Truths about what's coming up in the new year. Here's the article text, complete, unabridged, verbatim:
Well there’s another year wasted at good old temple moor the only thing keeping all us faithful fans at blogspot going is we are safe in the knowledge that 2008 will bring more hilarious events and useless tribulations at our ever amusing local high school!
In 2007 we’ve had some excellent times “messing” ( I’ve been told to tone down my usual colourful language for the younger readers) about and complaining at the science college but we have a sneaking suspicion that the builders will keep us on our toes in 2008. I think it will be hard (but not impossible) to top that blatant idiocy of the “chlorine leak” however I think if they try really, really hard they can find new and interesting ways of trying to kill us all!!!
Well lets take a look at what we have to look forward to in ‘08, firstly I see we have the full KS4 reviews for parents which if memory serves is more hassle than it worth for all involved, your usual review or parents evening normally consists of waiting around for hours on end dreading your turn because you know your maths teacher is going to carry on about a certain incident that happened over a year ago (serious sir you need to let it go.) You may perhaps get one or two good reviews which is what stops your parents from killing you in plain view of all you teachers and friends without caring if they get thrown in jail for the rest of all eternity or in a friends case killing her teachers in a similar fashion because she “knows my child isn’t like that!” He he don’t you just love parents!!! Also on the subject of parents evening I have to give credit where credit is due really and give full credit to the idiot students who turn up for there appointments a good hour late making everything go “belly” up, again I have used a lower form of language so I don’t get shot for using naughty words, anyways back to my point, turn up on time no one has to wait there turn to get a scut round the head for being a little bad at school its not a difficult idea to understand really even for the doits at our school!
Next on the agenda is the always funny mock S.A.T tests, I can understand why they conduct mock G.C.S.E’s because you know it’s a massive kick up the “bottom” when you do “badly” in those as they actually bloody matter however mock S.A.T tests is like having a mock spelling test for a spelling test in English that will neither matter nor be remembered its ridiculous how nervous some of those ickle year 9’s are getting over something that in the grand scheme of things is about as important as what colour you snot was last week, although saying that it does give me some pleasure seeing those younglings brick it a week before the tests flocking to the barren waste land of homework club thinking that if they do badly they are going to get dropped into a pit of a mixture of flesh eating ants and dog “poop” and this is the mocks so imagine my delight when the real thing comes along and causes what can only be described as a mass break down of small children weeping in sorrow over a test that is likely to get miss placed and never bothered to be retaken, also I should point out it is impossible to fail S.A.T’s they only determine how much the teachers get on you nerves in the next two years, for those who don’t know nowadays your S.A.T scores go onto a stupidly clever computer that calculates how well you should do in your G.C.S.E’s so by my reckonings there should be swarms of children lining up to hit there heads on a wall with rusty nails protruding from it in a desperate bid to forget everything they’ve ever learned so that everyone thinks you mentally challenged which in our school means days out to the beach and chocolate oh and of course the real treat of “bundle” loads of stamps. So all us intelligent idiots who tried to do badly in our S.A.T’s will rejoice as once again we see those little bundles of naive joys go to there dooms as they scramble to be teacher pet by doing well in there S.A.T’s.
Right that takes us up to February which also has the joys of year 11 coursework deadline and the school production which is this year little shop of horrors a truly masterful stage production that has only managed to get better by being performed by the performing geniuses at temple moor!!! Anyways after that blatant confidence boost of the talented performers of temple moor I move onto the next event at good old science college that is in march KS3, 4 and post-16 review day, oh yes you heard me right another review day although this one is slightly different this one we get a whole day off school only to come in for a five minute chat with our form tutors now im all for getting a day off school but due to the hours my parental’s work I have to come in later in the evening this of course means I can’t just stay in bed all day only rising from my pit of doom in the mid afternoon to stroll to school to sit and listen to the same old “rubbish” I hear every year no no I have to actually get up and wait to go any listen to my form tutor saying how disappointed she is that I won’t attend after school revision sessions or study harder well im sorry mrs. Form lady I have a life something you have clearly never even brushed past in the street by the looks of it, you know she isn’t getting any…ever!!! Anyways back to my point there is another review that will tell us exactly the same thing they told us a couple of week earlier henceforth it is a complete waste of my time and effort which really “racks” me off. If you were wondering why certain words were encased with “” well ive been told my usual language is inappropriate so I have found other more gay ways of getting my point across so if you wish you can go through and determine what you would think any sane person would say or in my case insane person with extremely colourful language would say.
Now moving swiftly on to the 18th of April you will see we have at the school yet another review day oh come one are you serious? KS4 have yet another review day for parents now correct me if im wrong but that means that year 11 will have 3 reviews in as many months!!! Madness it is, im telling you but im not going to ramble on for another paragraph to tell you something you already know (an idea the school doesn’t seem to grasp)
Now I must say we haven’t given that much thought to the people who will give us most of our amusement and writing material this coming year and for once im not talking about the dunces we call teacher I am of course referring to the builders of this “fantastic” new school (as if giving us a new building will make the slightest spot of difference) I can safely say (safely because im at home were they cant find me) we can expect many more life threatening situations, all im saying I that we all die a very tragic and preventable death I want the whole “bloody” world to know I “god damn” called it. Let me think( not a very common occurrence so think yourselves lucky that im bothering to dust off the extremely neglected squishy matter they call my brain just to amuse you, the reading audience) off the top of my head I can think of many new and interesting ways to try and end all our small and slightly pathetic lives, however personally I think they should go for complete destruction I’m all for them accidentally knocking out a support beam in the main school causing a chain reaction and completely destroying the school hopefully when we are not there but if a few lives must be sacrificed so be it :D I honestly don’t mean to wish any harm on anyone but I just think it would be priceless if they spent what is it 8 million? And some “idiot” “buggered” it up and knocked down the whole school and they had to start again I just think it would rock endlessly!!!
Now I move onto may normally a joyous month of sunshine and lollipops (no reference to the song please) which is of course going to be shadowed with impending doom for this years year 11 I am of course referring to the G.C.S.E examinations I must say as much as I would love to sit here and poke fun at the nerds who actually revise for these exams I cant as most of the people I know and love who read this will be sat at home rocking backwards and forwards saying over and over again “there’s not enough time, I cant revise it all“ well maybe you should learn from this and instead of panicking, say “balls to it” and expect to fail because of which you will neither surprised or unset when you end up stacking shelves in Lidl for all of eternity ( sorry guys but I speak but the truth) now I can understand if you wish to actually achieve something in life and want to pass your G.C.S.E’s however I will not condone the actions of the school on the subject of study leave, they claim to be trying help us by introducing this new “rag” analysis which sounds a little like something our good friend Freud would say about some Burk who wants to bone his mother it is however a completely unfair way of taking away the only good thing about exams which is of course study leave, a ridiculous name for a time of sleep and going out mixed in with occasional exams. The system goes as thus if you are failing by more than a grade (how can you fail before you take the exam?!?!) then you get put on red which means you get “bugger” all study leave even if you are acing everything else and failing some mind numbing subject like R.E you get put in revision classes for the weeks of exam with spazzy mcspazzton and his gang of retards, if your failing by only one grade then you get put on amber which is a little like purgatory being on amber is not as bad as the hell of the world of red and the spasm’s but it is no were near as good as the heavenly world of green in which all is happy and light, amber means that you get some study leave but have to come for some revision sessions (surly the system would work if you had to revise only the subjects you suck at) I must say coming in for revision sessions can be on occasion be a little fun, I know what your think “oh my god, could it be true, dare we believe that the writer is saying temple moor is capable of creating fun from revision” well if your think that, the simple answer is no the longer answer I cant type as young eyes may read this and repeat it to there mothers and get a right good hit round the noggin I personally have no objections to this but the boss says im not aloud to get children beaten for my bad mouth words however back to the point I am simple saying that pretending to do revision whilst drawing rude pictures in science books however childish can be amusing especially when the next pupils to use the books are young and naïve year 7’s, hilarious it is to see there little faces go all red and flushed because someone drew a penis on the very unreal looking drawing of a human male. Anyways back to my original point before I digressed to purgatory and penis’s , exams. I personally have an agreement with exams they can go and annoy as many self respecting students who value there future as much as they want as long as they leave me the hell alone its strange I actually enjoy them you get time off usual lessons to sit in a room in which is supposed to be in silence even thought every time the examiner person turns round I mouth the game to my friends ( oh that’s a point sorry guys I just lost the game) whilst ticking little boxes at random trying to make the prettiest pattern possible( I think it goes A B A C, try it next time your in an exam it works) eventually getting bored of that I attempt to motivate myself to actually answer some questions for real after about 5 minutes of arguments my brain decides its in my best interests to actually try so I do, fail, get bored and fall asleep. Temple moor exams are great better than any other exams simple because at the end of every exam Mr. Fleetwood or Mr. Fahy think that a nice motivation speech will stop students from “messing” around, it usual goes something like this (clears throat with passion) “ well done year 11 you’ve started your exams really well, your been quiet and good a great start but now your got to keep this up, you know that we are the best school for exam” ect ect which makes everyone late for what ever it is they’ve got planned for after the exam, excellent sir well done you successfully made a whole hall of people want to kill themselves because your voice is about as monotonal as Stephen Hawkins ( no offence to the man he’s all good and nerdy and cant help being all disabled and not being able to speak Mr Fahy on the other hand isn’t and doesn’t have an excuse) his words are chosen in such a way I think its trying to be poetic however if they got any duller the hitchhiker guide to the galaxy would have to replace Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex on the number one spot of worst poetry with Mr. Fahy of up your own “bum” county because if you thought dieing of internal haemorrhaging and gnawing your own legs off was bad Mr Fahy’s will make your brain implode and explode at the same time causing a rip in time and space which would in destroy the universe and all inside it, it’s a good job really that no one listens isn’t it!
Moving on from the subject of exams to the even more exiting and ever useful (are you ready for this)…. Fun run or more correctly “charity walk” on the 12th June I have a personal history with this thing as 2 years ago as we all know there was sports week it was said for the week NO UNIFORM, sports gear needed now if you know me then you’ll know I don’t do sports wear so me being me I wore army gear a perfectly reasonable substitution if the army can wage WARS in this I think I can walk in it right? Wrong I was sent home on the last day (of the whole year) for refusal to wear uniform but this was under the iron fist of Mr. Im inhumanly tall Sheriff, this year even thought I wont be around to enjoy it I wish the best of luck to all those participating. I remember one of the times I did the fun run (when it was indeed called the fun run ) seeing people who clearly needed to get a hobby or even better to get laid as they had collected ridiculous amounts of money for a charity they didn’t even know of and were running past like lunatics that had escaped from the local loony bin, making a run for it whilst they still could before they got shot in the ass by a tranquilliser gun ….oops sorry I mean “bum” I mean okay if your good at sports and care about charity work fine do the run collect the money fine…you’re an idiot but fine, but its when they start making a competition you know something is wrong or worse still when they come up to you shaking there heads trying to make you move faster that’s when I start breaking legs and make it look like an accident I will not walk faster, I will not run and if you touch me again in an attempt to push me forwards I will make sure that you pee through a tube for the next couple of weeks. I feel I must say that I am in no way against charity as it seems to come across but I am against giving school money to “give” to a charity ill give it to them myself thank you very much.
Also to look out for in June is the summer variety show on the 18th and 19th the first of which is the dance show and the second and best is the music show again I must stress that the temple moor performers are in everyway excellent and wonderfully talented in everyway the summer variety show is a very joyous occasion in which you sit in a swelteringly hot hall and listen to the music (or watch dancers if you like watching people prancing around like fools although that’s not fair as some of the dancers at temple moor are actually quite good) of the geniuses at temple moor. Although it must be said last years was a little disturbing at times one act I recall where two year 9 girls grinding each other like lesbian lovers in a gay bar which was both really wrong and made the whole atmosphere very uncomfortable whilst they were on you didn’t know whether to clap or not at the end because if you clapped too much it looked like you really enjoyed seeing these too painfully underage girls going at it like they munched more rug than a faulty vacuum cleaner but if no one clapped im sure those 2 girls would have felt extremely unloved and unappreciated (which to be honest they should have because no body wanted to see that) also I remember there were some younger kids who looked so nervous I thought they would spew up but other than that it was excellent and I must say if your going to go to a school music thingy that probably your best bet as there’s a bit of everything rock, pop even jazz last year so its an all round good night, wow I actually had something nice to say…this…never happens…. Anyway getting dragged kicking and screaming into July im slightly confused (don’t panic….it often happens like an inner brain freeze that comes and goes as it pleases without the niceness of the ice-cream…I like ice-cream….sorry) there is something happening called new parents evening…I don’t know what this is so don’t ask me I have no idea so I cant think of anything witty or amusing to say about it only that its going to happen and speculate on what it could be but the best my brain could come up with is that it’s a sort of twisted torture for adopted kids like come and have your new parents listen to us telling them how “bad” you are!!! But that’s silly I don’t think that’s what it really is but if in July on the 2nd there is a flurry or kids crying there eyes out with strange people you’ll know I was right. Anyways after that there is only a series of pointless events that grind the stump of the year to a bloody stop, reviews, work experience ect.
Well I guess that’s all for 2008 I say that’s all, there really is quite a lot to do isn’t there I was so hoping for a year of pointless chatter and sleeping in class (which I will be doing anyway) and of course what I can also say we have to look forward to is the moments you will always remember at school I guess im expected to say meeting new friends, learning, getting a boy/girlfriend but im not gay what im talking about is the moments of pure amusement when someone, anyone don’t matter who it is “messes” up teachers falling over your strategically placed bag, a child in the lunch hall tripping and landing in a plate of gravy, the head teachers stupid laugh and his little neck, the times you get yelled at and a friend is stood behind you pulling faces or when you in the exam hall and the old man examiners fly is down (that was so funny) all I know is that this year is going to be even more balls droopingly funny that last year I have high hopes for the year 11 leavers day (lets see if they can beat last years chlorine scare) and am just generally looking forward to pissing and moaning about being back at good old temple moor.
Written by guest- zrawhcs
P.s If any of the subjects or metaphors in this review have offended you do feel free to go and boil your head in a pan of cheap stinking chip oil, I speak but the truth… DEAL WITH IT!!!!!
P.P.S If you come to temple moor Good luck this year I think were gunna need it!
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