Monday, 10 December 2007

Newsletter V Us

With very little news and lots of letters, what has the latest newsletter got to say? You could check out the PDF, or read the Templar Truths condensed version, complete with what we'd say.

Autumn Term
"beginning to see the new school take shape", "learning to share the reduced space", "setting and maintaining Standards", "Standards Assemblies", "world class students"
The builders are getting somewhere at last. But behaviour's going down the pan, so the school is forcing yet more assemblies upon us. And they're deluded about the quality of Templars.

"Staff development day", "Christmas", "closed at 2:00PM on Friday 21"
They're letting us leave when? The 21st? That's just four days before Christmas. Is this legal?

Communication With Temple Moor
"always available to speak with you", "ring to make an appointment", "contact numbers:"
Apparently, the school has an email address. Who knew? Actually, several Nigerian bankers...

Wild In The Woods
"project at Skelton Grange Environment Centre", "wonder and adventure", "pond dipping", "students have used sticks, string and elastic bands to make their own sculptures"
A desperate attempt to get kids interested in nature, by making art on the cheap. And a snigger-inducing name to boot!

Lost Property
"accrued a large amount of lost property", "be much easier...all their belongings clearly marked"
The school's fed up of picking up dirty old jumpers - write your name in them, will you? What if you lose, say, a watch? How do you write your name in that, eh?

Year 11 Trial Exams
"begin week commencing..."
Great...but most Year 11s only got this newsletter after the exams. Smart.

Travel And Tourism
"organised a visit to London", "world famous 'Madame Tussauds' "
Look, they've put Madame Tussards in quote marks...perhaps it wasn't the real Madame Tussards, but just some Travel & Tourism students standing really still.

After Hours
"sessions have recommenced", "catch up on any coursework", "complete homework"
You can do homework at school. Defeats the point, though, don't you think?

"this half term parents will have received letters", "raising the awareness of attendance"
Basically, school's attendance is bad. What can improve it? Only RAG, clearly...

NER Engineers Forum
"attended a lecture", "building a human bridge", "a fantastic success", "children were well involved...well behaved"
School took some kids to participate in a fun day out. No-one died, did any killing or anything bad. Hmm...sure they were TMHS kids?

Homework Club
"running well again this year", "get on with their homework"
Has After Hours (above) got a rival? This is the most boring rivalry ever. Hands down.

RE Gifted and Talented Conference
"a Philosophy & Ethics conference", "range of discussions", "where is God?", "nihilism", "problem of evil", " 'it opened up my mind' "
It's a good job they talked about nihilism. In a conference like this, I'd be fairly nihilistic!

"Coca Cola Challenge"
"helping Coca Cola produce their range of drinks in a more environmentally friendly way", "we didn't get through to the next round"
When it comes to Templars trying to be eco-friendly, they fail. Maybe because their school sets an example like Hitler at a Pro-Semitism Conference.

"samba band (TEMPOAGOGO)", "Soul Singers continue to grow", "successful performance", "rehearsals...underway...for Little Shop of Horrors"
Little Shop has plenty of potential to be a good performance, if the acting and singing is up to scratch. But pray it's better the samba band's name - TEMPOAGOGO. Yes, it must always be written in capitals.

Temple Moor Award Winners!
"International Development work rewarded by receiving a prestigious government award", "work to promote awareness of the wider world"
There's an oxymoron.

Great Gifts Campaign 2007
"helping less fortunate families overseas", "gifts from the World Vision alternative gift catalogue", "mosquito nets", "a myriad of goats"
Let's forget those less fortunate families who live in the UK for a moment. You know what happens when you send goats (especially a "myriad", of which one definition is "ten thousand")? These poor, starving families need to feed the goats. Where will they get that food? Think these gifts through, please.

Free Books for Year 7
"lucky enough to receive a free reading book", "a list of twelve titles"
Free books? If anyone knows what they were, please email or leave comments. Because free books doesn't usually inspire quality, does it?

Design Faculty Clubs
"Art Club", "Food Club", "Drop In Art Club", "Textiles Catch Up Club", "Resistant Materials Catch Up Club"
Plenty of choice - and you'll need to choose, some occur at the same time on the same day. Clever, huh?

New Building Progress
"first phase...well underway", "design block", "Science, ICT suites and dining area", "sports hall extension", "an indoor 'street' lined with lockers", "planned to be complete by December 2008"
Well it's all very exciting and we can't wait to see how good/awful the new building will be as a learning environment. But December 2008? Are they sure they can do all that's left in just one year? I know they're hopelessly optimistic, but someone's been feeding the school happy pills. Good news: chlorine levels down 100%.

Year 7 Induction Days
"team building games", "tug of war"
After stupid games and a tug-of-war match, they've still decided Temple Moor is the place to be.

Cook-Off Competition
"very popular house competition", "submit their own 'healthy' recipe"
Don't use quote marks! 'Healthy' means it isn't. Fools!

BTEC Sports Course Kicks Off at Temple Moor
"introduction of the BTEC sports and Exercise qualification", "in-school placements", "equivalent of 4 GCSEs"
Kids are learning to be teachers. This is going to be a never-ending circle, isn't it?

Lower School Dance Club
"growing and growing", "dance performance of Fame"
It's dancing. What more can we say?

Sports Coats for Sale
"students are now able to purchase rain jackets", "new Temple Moor PE and Sport logo", "cost £25"
What are these things? Two words: Fleetwood's Macs.


Anonymous said...

If you give a family in Africa a goat . . . Surely they'd just eat it?

Correct me if I'm wrong but that's waht I'd do because if I only had one . . . You can't breed them, can you?


Anonymous said...


Melaisis said...

I'm sure pond-dipping is something me and my ex used to do.


In the early hours of the morning.


Wombatlord said...

Mel! Children read this blog...possibly!

Also, I'm not your ex baby, not after last night ;)

As for the goats, you can't breed em, but you can get milk.

Which you can sell.

Capitalism, the gift that keeps on giving! (To fatcats in Washington)