Burn, Baby Burn!

If only it would. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you're all aware, we've had 5 fire alarms in roughly as many weeks - not one of them being a genuine fire. Now we know some fires have been caused by construction work and so on, however, there is absolutely no excuse for the magnitude of false alarms we've seen over the past several weeks. It's simply stunning, and it leads one to believe that the school are entirely incompetant. Obviously they aren't deliberately sounding the alarm, but they're surely running out of excuses by now. In fact, yes they have; we're now blaming it on the P.E. Department once again. Or so it is rumoured.

As we revealed several weeks ago, one of the earlier alarms was caused by steam from the P.E. showers (confessed by a teacher), so how could P.E. have done it this time? Assuming they've done something about the utter fiasco that led to a shower of all things sending us surging out into the cold, how else could they have done it? A stary football knocking a builder off his perch onto a fire alarm mechanism? A P.E. teacher with a vengeance angrily putting his fist through the alarm? An elaborate ploy by a disgruntled headteacher to pin the blame on innocent P.E. advocates?

Lord knows how it's happened again, but it has. And if the fire alarm goes any more, I have a feeling it's going to turn into the famous story of the School that cried Fire. It went something like this;

A teacher stood around one day, looking after a herd of students who were happily grazing on a book of frustratingly tedious maths problems, when he decides to liven up the day by crying "Fire!". The fire engines come screeching in, as the teacher makes up a phony, obviously desperate excuse to get out of prosecution, pinning it on the P.E. Department. Well, the same thing happened week after week, until one day, annoyed beyond belief by the stupid staff, the fire department teamed up with a bitter group of pupils in one of the most harrowing massacres of modern history, leaving many staff dead or wounded. It's a sickening children's story, yes, but one that I just had to recount...

Drugs raid

Well, certainly an excuse for one.
Today Templars received a letter telling them about a passive drugs dog visiting the school (passive drugs dog? one that doesn't bite? Or does that mean it's just really chilled out all the time?) Pretty good ey? Templars will have an opportunity to "ask questions to the dog handler and their police colleagues." As part of the demonstration the dog will be circulating amongst pupils and if it finds anything "further action may be taken by the school, the police, or both". Does this or does this not just sound like an excuse for a drugs raid? I mean come on, they bring a drugs dog in and it sniffs around the pupils to see if they have any drugs, call it learning and bang! it's not a drugs raid, it's a "Drugs Awareness program." Yeah, you will certainly be made aware when you're in prison for possession!
Joking aside, this is a fairly good idea. Let's just hope the fire alarm doesn't go off halfway through this as well.

F43L adds..

A story which has been quite amusing since the letters were distributed today, I couldn't sit by and let Smoking Man alone take credit for breaking this news. But, importantly, I have to add that I feel it is a rather stupid idea. Not the drugs raid, but the fact we are warned in advance of it. I'm not sure whether we are forced to do so by law, or whether the school just didn't see the obvious flaw, but think about it - now the pupils likely to bring drugs with them will abstain from doing so until after the drugs raid. It's basically a letter telling potential drug handlers to hide their evidence before the police come. How stupid.

Thor says:
I hope the school now gets to sing Just Say No! And remember, kids, don't go planting drugs on your teachers.

Credits Error/Cafeteria/Revision

Whether it be websites, computers or the prone-to-failure BSF project, there seems to be no end to Temple Moor's stupendous ability to turn every aspect of school life a farce. Except the Stock Market Challenge, where the Temple Moor team managed to finish second. Bravo!

Look in your planner. Go. Now. Check the amount of spaces for credits you've got in those green pages. It goes all the way up to 800 credits. How anyone is supposed to get there I don't know, but that's not the point. The SIMS.net database that's used by the school to centralise every bit of data - target grades, achieved grades, attendance records for every lesson and even photographs - has a space for teachers to input credit amounts during Guidance or registration. The maximum amount you're allowed to put in? 700. So if you reach that number of credits, just give up.

It may be over-priced, over-healthy and packed to its capacity, but enjoy the cafeteria while you still can. See, over Easter, it's going to be demolished. But don't worry! They'll build a new one. The new cafeteria will take the same spot occupied by the current cafeteria, so they need to knock one down before they can even start on the next. And they've got two weeks to do it in. What could possibly go wrong?

Apparently, those on "amber" for History (using everyone's favourite system, traffic lights RAG) get more revision sessions than those on "red". We're not sure if this is true, but if it is, then Temple Moor have royally screwed up their own ridiculous system.

Official site in update shock

You read that title right. The hardly updated school website has been updated. Actually, it's been updated more regularly than ever before...and all since this blog started and we criticised the site. What am I implying? Make up your own minds.

The most noticeable change is the front page spiel from Mr Fleetwood. Actually, that's probably a good thing - he'd kept the same text as Sheriff put up. But the new version is a lot smaller. Fewer words by far. Bizarrely though, the text has massive gaps in between lines of text? Why is this? A quick peek at the page's source code (the HTML that is rendered by your browser into the page you see) reveals this code:
< p >Welcome to the website of Temple Moor High School Science College.< /p >
< p >&nbps< /p >
What does this mean? Well, sensibly, they've put the text in a paragraph (denoted by the < P > tags), but then they've added another paragraph and all that's in it is a space. The next paragraph starts after that. But < P > tags cause spacing between paragraphs anyway, so the extra paragraph is redundant. Not only this, but as you can see on the site, it looks awful.

There's some news! Sadly they've kept the news presentation as awful scrolling news with marquee> tags that were last cool in 1996.
Look at me! I'm text that moves. Temple Moor is excellent...moving text proves it.
One headline is this: "Half Term Holidays - school closes Friday 8 February and reopens Monday 18 February". Out goes succinct, then. The actual article text is this: "School closes on Friday, 8 February and reopens on Monday, 18 February." Honestly. It's shorter than the headline and discloses no extra information. What's the point?

Spotted something awful on the site? Made a mock-up of how it should look? Or something else related to the official website? If so, stick it in the comments.

Sorry about the awful representation of HTML tags, but if you put them in, Blogger thinks it's code you want - even when wrapped with < code > tags.

Complaint Letter

It used to be the case where you carefully typed a complaint letter, but those days are over. Now you can get it automatically done at the automatic complaint letter generator. Can it surmise the missteps, errors, disasters, flamingo-ups (like cock-ups, but bigger) and general aura of failure around Temple Moor? Here's a three-paragraph letter of anger:

I, for one, will not waste my time criticizing or insulting Temple Moor High School as 1) it is unlikely to change, and 2) Temple Moor High School probably revels in the letters of shock and repulsion that it regularly receives. Instead, I will focus on its discourteous, pathetic morals, which, after all, are the things that brandish the word "counterexpostulation" (as it is commonly spelled) to hoodwink people into believing that the cure for evil is more evil. To begin with, I wish I didn't have to be the one to break the news that people should just treat each other with decency and respect. Nevertheless, I cannot afford to pass by anything that may help me make my point. So let me just state that as our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the types of people Temple Moor High School preys upon.

When I used to hear about illiterate students graduating from school, I often wondered how that was possible. But after encountering some of Temple Moor's more prolix plans for the future, I now realize that not only is it possible for people to graduate without having learned fundamental skills such as reading and writing, but that it's possible for these same people to believe that the best way to reduce cognitive dissonance and restore homeostasis to one's psyche is to attack everyone else's beliefs. Let me begin by saying that Temple Moor may be reasonably cunning with words. However, it is entirely uncontrollable with everything else. The main dissensus between me and Temple Moor is that I claim that Temple Moor has been working for years to create a moral and ideological climate in which patronizing twits can malign and traduce me. It, on the other hand, contends that public opinion is a reliable indicator of what's true and what isn't. It seems ironic that I have resisted taking legal action against Temple Moor, as others have advised me to do, given that its cat's-paws are an amalgamation of slaphappy braggadocios, baleful fruitcakes, and other unpatriotic, lamebrained prima donnas. This is equivalent to saying that because of its obsession with pharisaism, Temple Moor's secret agents all look like Temple Moor, think like Temple Moor, act like Temple Moor, and push our efforts two steps backward, just like Temple Moor does. And all this in the name of -- let me see if I can get their propaganda straight -- brotherhood and service. Ha!

To use some computer terminology, Temple Moor's flock has an "installed base" of hundreds of barbaric pillocks. The implication is that the only weapons Temple Moor has in its intellectual arsenal are book burning, brainwashing, and intimidation. That's all it has, and it knows it. Clearly, Temple Moor claims that the average working-class person can't see through its chicanery. That claim is preposterous and, to use Temple Moor's own language, overtly shallow. No history can justify it. One last thing: Temple Moor's sinful snow jobs benefit from this sense of "us versus them".

Damn. I think I'm out of a job...

---

Don't give up on Templar Truths just yet though. We're still a great source of news. For example, Year 10 students studying business will be soon taking part in the Stock Market Challenge - well, someone needs to help. We also know that one teacher "bullied a Student to carry her hand bag as it was slightly heavy". Scandalous stuff.

It's the start of attendance target week thing. Ready for Deal or No Deal? I am. Can't wait to see how laughably bad the whole thing will most likely be. In case it's a success, though, we'll notice - thanks to our keen eyesight (we can spot tiny bamboo sticks from miles away). After that shambles-to-be (have they even signed up Noel Edmonds?), it's half-term, so teachers can take a break from boring us all with ox-bow lakes.

What's The Best Policy?

On Temple Moor's often-joked about website, there's a list of the school's "policies". Because we at Templar Truths seriously have nothing better to do, here's some highlights from the policies.

Assemblies should "provide a collective act of worship". Never in my school life at Temple Moor has assembly ever created any atmosphere of religious worship. We've never bowed our heads to thank the almighty God for giving us builders who try to kill us with chlorine. Another point, not mentioned in the policy PDFs is that Temple Moor's assembly themes - pinned on noticeboards in all classrooms - are never adhered to.

"Pupils will be taught ways to validate information before accepting that it is necessarily accurate" says the Internet Access PDF. Here's a case study: Temple Moor's website and this blog. We try to be accurate, while maintaining high levels of satire and comedy. We're not afraid to speak the truth. Also, "pupils will be made aware that the writer of an e-mail or the author of a web page might not be the person claimed". Fair enough. For example, I - Thor - am not really a Norse God.

More from Internet Access: "the security of the whole system will be reviewed with regards to threats to security from Internet access". How about we stop using Internet Explorer 6? Even if Firefox/Opera is deemed a step too far (i.e. sensible), IE7 would be beneficial, surely? "Personal floppy disks may not be brought into school without specific permission and virus check" - this means if you bring in a floppy disk (because you're from the Dark Ages, I assume), it will be checked for viruses before you get to use it. Sensible? Perhaps. Complicated and slowing down education? Most definitely. Also, Temple Moor reserves the right to monitor every file you make, every website you visit and wants you to ask a teacher before you log onto the 'Net.

Does your form tutor "check that all pupils have a planner before they leave morning registration"? Mine doesn't. However, some (apparently) do this. You cannot be in a lesson if you "have a proper planner". I've known people go entire days without their planners - this system needs tightening up, or forgetting about. Ever been in a class where you're all on a verbal warning? "Whole classes must never to given verbal warning" says the policy. Ignore the awful grammar (it's supposed to say "whole classes must never be given a verbal warning") and remember this when your teacher says it.

"Do not leave students outside the classroom for more than two minutes" is one that's often adhered to, but it's not unknown for teachers to leave them longer. "It is essential", reads the policy in bold type, "that teachers read the [detention] notices to the pupils". That is a damn good idea. So why, I can only wonder, have Temple Moor abandoned common sense and gone with the idea of getting pupils to read the detention lists themselves?

If you really want to gain an understanding as to what happens in Temple Moor, and why, some of these policies are essential reading.

*Oink*!

So as it turns out the PD shop wont be next week but in fact the first week back on the Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Supposedly not all the teachers have their pig stamps yet so come Monday most people wont be able to use the PD store. However as it turns out some tutors do have a pig stamp.

Well for starters, the first key issue is that the page is titled "PD voucher Stamps" although these don't look like vouchers, they look like pigs. Well that's what most people would say. But to me it looks like it has a testicle for a nose. Secondly, it's not exactly pink. It looks more like a red to me. And in the land of TMHS what does red mean? Underachievement. Fail. Awful. Get it away from me before I gouge my eyes out with a history textbook. How ironically fitting.

We'll do a poll for the colour. Let the Templars as a whole decide on the vindication of this fail. Also, if you have an opinion on the stamp, e-mail us it and we might post it.